I've been hesitating to write anything here since the tragedy at work Monday. Covering up Ken's memory with other things really scared me...since that's all we still have of him.  It's been a hard and strange week. Eddy has become so familiar with Dan's and my moods that every time he sees us sad, or crying, or quiet, he asks, "You sad 'cuz Ken went away?"  I hope the funeral, this Monday, helps how we feel. At least we'll get to know Ken's family better, and hear some new things about him, and be allowed to converse openly about how we all miss him so much.  Dan has had a worse time than I have, because he was so close to Ken, and especially because he had to finish Ken's route from Monday, he had to redistribute Ken's scheduled jobs, and he had to find (gulp) a replacement. Then he had to work an extra day to catch up on everything.

For me this week has been a stirring of emotions and thoughts.  Disbelief, denial, anger, despair, confusion, and searching have all played their parts in the story of my thoughts, a story that has gradually changed through the hours. I sometimes fight recovery in fear of forgetting, but I know God is in the recovery, and I can trust him.  I've come to some conclusions in my mind, which I hope to act upon: Though Ken's time is through, my life is still going, and to not continue in life would be to deny God's will for me.  Everyone lives for a short time and dies; in the span of history it's not whether you died that shapes your story, but what you did while you lived.  We could have our own memorial service to speak openly about our friend, draw our attention to our mortality, and to God. And we should take our employees up on their invitations to dinner and such -- something we should've done with Ken and his boys, then it wouldn't have been so awkward now.

Life...goes...on...and each day we change.