A week after returning home from Mayo Clinic and from oh so many cancer treatments we'd never have dreamed of when they got married.  Ten months after hundreds of friends and family started praying for him.  One year after he married the love of his life.  God has chosen to take my good friend Kyle home.  I don't understand why.  I can't believe it's true.  I feel the pain of my very close friend Abi, his wife, in her devastation.  

Sometimes emotional stress gets you down.  For some reason the Lord has chosen to surround me with deaths and grieving loved ones the last couple months, with financial complications to sort out, or relationships, or schedules to wade through, or occupational replacements to find, etc.

Two full days of dealing with such things left me in a haze.  No energy to feel, but about to burst with all the anxiety and questions and frustrations and fears inside.  Going on with life and schedule only deterred the problem.

I came to Eau Claire.  After trying phone calls and hugs and nature, I spied my beloved piano...waiting for me.

The radio got switched off as I nervously approached the instrument with forgetful and out-of-shape hands.  Musical score was not enough.  I have nor can play no song as intense and complex as I felt today.  It would have to be something new.  I warmed up with a favorite scale: G flat major.  And beginning with G flat, I played a small slow melody, a tiny emerging thought amid the silence of aloneness, that quietly faded back into the silence.  Another thought emerged, and another, until too many memories and aches were crowding each other out with austere, depressing chords and rhythms of frantic searching.  A breath of calm, stolen away by new thoughts and desires, dashed hopes of the future, and screams of anger.  A spinning blind searching of what to do, with no clear answers.  A good memory or practical thought is spelled out deliberately to combat this despair, but only turn sour and bring back the storm.  Between each thought, each cry, each flood of emotion, silence reigns, tormenting the soul.  Finally, exhausted, regret and anger submit to calm and life.  God  shows up.  In a version of Amazing Grace, he stills the storm and brings to light his promises, his gifts, and what really matters.  A true sigh of relief follows, then stillness, this time not of torment but of peace.

Never again to be played or recorded, my one-time song expressed and unwound my knotted thoughts and emotions.  Still raw and tired, I know now how to resolve.  I heard and perceived the heart of the problem and its answer for today, as I talked it out, in my heart language of wordless music.

Where your ear leads you, speak in that medium.  Perhaps your confusion lies in using a foreign tongue.

I've been told Eddy is exceptionally good at language for his age.  But lately that skill seems to be combining with a childish creativity into a bit of a phenomenon.  Most kids his age like to pretend to be animals and such and talk for their toys, as Eddy does.  But now he's becoming quite a storyteller, taking topics of the day and dramatizing them into adventure stories acted out entirely by him (complete with bad guy voices, damsel in distress voices, gramma voices, etc.).  He even comes up with characters I've never heard of, as in his "Michael and Daddy" series this morning (he was pretending to read these stories out of my Bible).

I don't know if this signals an adulthood bent or if it's a phase unique to this time in our family life.  But either way, it's fun.  Feel free to come by and experience the Eddy Hobbs Toddler Theatre soon!

Eddy has a very cute smile.  His eyes start to sparkle and he shows all those little kid teeth, pushing his chubby cheeks out into soft red apples, and batting his long lashes when he's tickled.  His curls frame all of that perfectly.  As he grows, he's losing some of his baby face, but gaining so much dimension, purpose, and meaning behind those deep eyes.  His smile keeps me coming back for more...more playtime, more tickles, more surprises, more fun.  I love making him happy, making him smile.

Today as he sat in a time-out in the grass in our garden, Eddy asked me something.  I was explaining how he needed to obey mommy, and he asked very calmly and sincerely, "Why?"  Hmmm... That one is hard to unravel in the abstract for a two-year-old.  I tried to make it simple.  It makes God happy when you obey.  It makes mommy and daddy happy.  It makes you happy.  He questioned the last part, understandably so.  Obviously the reason he was being punished was because mommy told him to do something that didn't make him happy.  But I planted a seed of understanding.  I want him to be happy.  And I will see so much more of that happy smile if he learns how to cooperate.  I love seeing that smile.

"A 2-Day outdoor fine arts and traditional crafts fair in a picturesque setting on the St. Croix River Valley

Smellin' the lilacs

Afton Historical Society Press, Publisher and Bookseller, Regional Books for the Discriminating Reader

A great conversation piece with Eddy also: the balloon basket he so wanted to try!

Guess where that came from.

A week of hot and sunny makes one appreciate a cool cloudy day.  Plus the scattered showers throughout the day made everything outside wet and soggy.  I took advantage of this to do some house cleaning, remove the weeds and straw from the blackberries and go on a shopping spree with Eddy.  We got mower parts for Daddy, office supplies, and a whole new wardrobe from Goodwill for Eddy.  And, of course, we got to share Sam's Club pizza and an Arby's chocolate shake as a reward.

"Sweet is the sleep of a laborer, whether he eats little or much, but the full stomach of the rich will not let him sleep." -Ecclesiastes 5:12

Nope, sleep has not been an issue this week.  My muscles, however, are another matter.

I love this time of year -- not as pretty as early spring, but so much more inviting.  For one, it's warmer outside than in.  This for the first time in 8 months!  It's also planting season here.  The greenhouses and weathermen have finally given the general public the OK to plant without danger of frost.  To me, that translates to dirt and shovels and rakes and watering cans and hoses and string and steaks and corn seeds and potato seeds and onion seeds and dirt mounds and trenches and weed pulling and transplanting and ROTOTILLING (which has the added benefit of seriously getting me in shape for summer).  It is quite hot and sunny for that kind of work, but a good sun hat, a water bottle, cool grass and occasional breaks make it doable and, of course, very satisfying.  I stand and gaze at my handiwork and take in the joy of hard work and thoroughness.  Can't wait to reap!

Outside of the garden are all the effects of others' hard work and God's natural gifts.  Flower beds, shrubbery, lilacs, towering Elms, fields of grass, wildflowers and fruit trees fill my senses with the life of late spring.  It is more exciting than I can say to discover every week new and fantastic plants and flowers in our Afton house.  Our landlords have good taste!  They also had experience gardening.  I have every tool at my fingertips =)  But I will never tire of being at the Hobbs' Eau Claire farm.  The aroma itself carries a thousand thousand memories and impressions of the past.  It has been said that music and smells are windows into the memory, and this is no exception.  Walking through the tall cleared woods along the driveway and smelling the warm polleny air with the cool breeze blown in from the neighbor's pond, I am transported to times and activities and friends and ages long gone.  Every old car comes into view, every paint ball game, volleyball game, sword fight, swim.  Visions of gardening, feeding ducks and chickens and cats and dogs, the old barn long since torn down, the willow that never really did perk up, the huge novel gardens, the creek, the outdoor shower, and of course, where the tent was set up...

And wherever I am, there seems a familiar smell of the season that to me seems to match the shiny mature leaves in the sunlight and the expiring blossoms.  Perhaps it's a plant or several plants home to this region.  But to me it's simply my own history.  My past, my present, my future.  The people I know and knew.  Experience gained and gaining.  Growth.  Have a great day in the sun!

This week has been very cold and rainy.  Though this makes it hard on our business because weed killer doesn't work in the cold, it does provide a nice environment for finances.  This is the last day Eddy will spend time at the babysitter's, so I am tucked in my little corner of kitchen, at my beautifully large desk, surrounded by papers and speakers and windows, typing transactions (and this blog, of course).

Cold dark weather also freezes the flow of phone calls, freeing up the sound pool for other, more delightful waves.  Pandora has been my companion this week. It has changed along with my moods from techno to progressive electrica house to kids radio to exotica/lounge to newsboys to motown.  Then there's my own personal reflective mix which I like to call, Rainyday radio.  And when I get tired of music, there's always Adventures in Odyssey!

The pleasures of solitude, quiet, numbers, and organization combine in my final real day of work this spring.  After this my office will fit into the margins of my life, squeezed around cleaning and gardening and helping Eddy and bikerides to the park and cooking and travel.  So I will cherish these moments and cherish the change to come.

This has been my thought for the weekend.  We sow and reap alike.

On Friday my little sister graduated from college.  I'm so proud of her!  But it got me thinking on my school situation.  Twenty-four years old and only 40 credits to my name.  Of course, thoughts like this lead to daydreams of diplomas and accomplishments, of research and travel and music and languages.  "If I could just work harder..." but is that really true?

Most things worth having do require hard work, but hard work doesn't get you everything you want.  You reap what you sow.  If I sow cantaloupe and carrots in my little seed patch for my garden (which I have), I will reap cantaloupe and carrots later on.  No matter how much I dream about watermelon, and strive to do a good job gardening so I can have a juicy slice of watermelon, it will never come out of cantaloupe and carrot seeds.  Those seeds are absolutely useless for that.  But they are incredibly useful for cantaloupe and carrots.

In the same way, no matter how well I raise my son, it will never get me a bachelor's degree.  It is useless for that.  To dream of academic accomplishments and work harder at home, will only lead to disappointment, for I'm looking for the fruit of something I never planted, and missing the fruit of what I did -- a grown son.  And no matter how much I study for a test, it could never get me a family.  My sister traded an early marriage for an early degree.  A choice I very much respect in her, but still, she is not married.  Loving and training children reaps loving and trained adults.  Studying and taking classes reaps knowledge and degrees.

How something is sown also determines how something is reaped.  Planting cantaloupe and carrots in mediocre soil, and haphazardly watering them (which I have) produces a few bedraggled plants (which I have).  But devoting time and money to the meticulous care of your garden produces bumper crops (which I've experienced in the past), crowding each other out like a chia pet.  Likewise, if I daydream of books and music all day and spend no time with my son, I will only reap an unhealthy son with a bad attitude.  I need to consider the harvest.  You only reap what you sow, and you only reap as well as you sow.

It is the same with food.  This is a subject I've always tried to avoid in the past, but it is true.  No matter how much you promote and talk about carrots, or how many you have in your refrigerator, if you are sitting here reading this next to a bag of marshmallows, you will never reap the benefits of carrots.  You will reap the sugar high and low, lack of energy, depression, and eventual chronic disease from malnutrition that marshmallows reap...not to mention unwanted weight.  However, if you just stop eating those right now and use your hands to pick up a carrot, put it in your mouth, chew, and swallow, you will receive the nourishment carrots offer.

This weekend my sister graduated, a friend just found out she's having her first child, another friend just had an adorable baby boy, I sang at church, watched Eddy, and ate a lot of junk food because of busy schedule, moods, and the holiday.  This morning I reaped more musical experience, a son who survived, and extreme weariness and downcast eyes.  I decided pretending isn't worth it.  Consider the harvest you desire, and actually plant and tend to the seeds that will bring that harvest.  Don't daydream of some other harvest.  Accept or make the one you want.  Eating candy to make you feel better won't.  Eating vegetables will.  Just do it.  If you want to finish school, pick up your textbook right now.  If you want a happy child, get up and walk to the park with him right now.  You will reap what you sow,  and only as well as you sow it.

to sing and dance ... to step to the beat ... to bend and groove ... get the heart goin'... to lift your mood ... to smile a bit ... to close your eyes, tilt back your head, and breathe!  Jump and spin!  Run around!  Find a partner!  Pull them in!  to get lost in rhythm ... to relish a melody ... savor the feeling...of singing aloud.  to listen and sway ... to harmonize ... to recognize beauty ... to remember the Lover ... to forget all troubles ... to cherish His goodness ... to lose track of time ...

May 3rd is a very special anniversary for Daniel and me.  It's not our wedding anniversary, not our engagement, not our first date (well, not officially), and not the day we met.  It's the day we decided there was something there.

I love May 3rd because it's filled with memories of long conversations all day long in the park, of hope for the future and new love.  May 3rd was determination to do right, and the reward for seeing goals through.  May 3rd was happiness together.  Another special thing about that day was it wasn't a one-time event.  There are at least 3 successive years that May 3rd was significant and unique in the life of our relationship.  May 3rd, 2003, when we decided there was something between us more than friendship, and the decision that a relationship would be beneficial...when we got a little older.  May 3rd, 2004, the culmination of a year of keeping unbelievable boundaries, in order to learn from life and seek guidance. This one didn't end in a full-blown dating relationship, but was incredibly romantic and fun, as we talked of the future, and enjoyed each other's company for the first time in a year.  May 3rd, 2005, finally, we have been dating, and experience for the first time an anniversary together, as well as make other momentous decisions about each of our lives.  And I hold each May 3rd since in my memory, for each has been in very different circumstances, with very different flavors.

As you know, yesterday was May 3rd, 2010.  It was probably the busiest May 3rd we've had.  Dan was on a very long and hard route, I was pummeled with calls in the office, Eddy was at the babysitter's, we were catching up on work, etc.  And for the first time in our history, Daniel has remembered the date before I did!  I tried to make up for the fact by cleaning and cooking a nice dinner to be ready when he got home, but I'm afraid he bested me.  My dirty, starving, overworked, under rested, bedraggled Danny came through the door at the end of the day carrying a large pot filled with blooming violet/white Phalaenopsis orchids, and swept me away.

Dinner for volunteers.  My church started doing this.  We have a Satur-evening service.  The Sunday school workers don't come.  Food makes them come.  The dinners are good.  They have dessert, too.  It helps me and Eddy.  I say I'll fill in.  No time to make food.  We eat after church.  We talk to church friends.  It's a good time. Here's to the effort: dinner for volunteers!  Hooray for you; hooray for my church.  Hooray for the kids who fill it.