I lose things way too easily!  I lose everything from clothing to money, food, receipts, appliances...anything mobile really.

A couple weeks ago I went to a grill out / campfire party at Julie's house and lost the keys to my car.  It got dark  long before we left, so several friends and I had to search through the grass with flashlights under logs, around the fire, under blankets, chairs, the hammock, in the house, in the windows of the locked car, and everywhere else we could think of.  In desperation I called Dan, and got the spare key!  Hooray!  I could go home.  I looked everywhere in the car, thinking I'd locked the key in.  Nope.  Julie agreed to keep her eye out for it when daylight came, so Eddy & I went home.

The day past, the weekend past, but no key.  I asked Julie every time I saw her, with no avail.  I kept an eagle's eye on the spare key, which I took to Afton that week and the next and now used as the main key.  Without key chain or unlock button to aid me in hauling Eddy, I became even more frustrated with my carelessness.  Were the keys lost forever?  No one at the party seemed the type to steal something to be mean, but could they have taken them by mistake?  I checked Eddy's diaper bag, my purse and the car over and over, still with no success.

I finally gave up.  When preparing to come back to Eau Claire this weekend, I decided to go the extra mile and clean out Eddy's old water bottle--long residing in his diaper bag side pocket--so he could use it again.  As I lifted it from its spot I breathed a sigh of consternation and relief, and ran to show Dan...what else? The keys!  I had put them in a safe spot to begin with.  They were never out of my reach, and never locked in the car.  It is so refreshing to have a spare again for emergencies, and to pop Eddy in and out safely and keep the car locked.  Now, if only I could find my hat...

Who of you are freaked out, grossed out, or scared to death of spiders?  I have always been!  But somehow a change came over me a couple days ago, when I spotted a little, fairly short-legged spider struggling to crawl out of our bathroom sink.  It was small enough that I couldn't focus on the detail too well (probably to my benefit, for if I had, I probably would have freaked out), but I was fascinated by the unassuming shape and innumerable tiny black and brown stripes on his legs (crosswise).  I asked Charlie, our employee and resident PhD to look at it, but his aging eyes failed him and he had no information to offer, so I delved into my copy of the National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Insects & Spiders, but with no exact matches with the photos.  Charlie encouraged me by saying it could be a young spider, and may look differently than those fully grown.  I read a few descriptions and surmised it could be a close relative to a burrowing wolf spider, but they prefer sandy areas, and our property has rich soil.  All that was left to do was quickly sketch it and record the circumstance in my notebook, in hopes I ran across more information soon.

Across more info I certainly came!  Today I was tasked to pull weeds out of the blackberry beds in the large greenhouse on our property.  Between the rows are walking paths of wood chips, and covering the beds themselves right now is straw, to keep the plants from thawing too early in spring.  I didn't start weeding until close to dusk, but as soon as I started walking on the chips and pulling out weeds, little black-brown spiders scurried away from me in all directions!  There were so many, but too fast to get a look at!  I ran back and grabbed my camera to try to get a shot in the failing light of evening.  In addition to pictures, I studied the little guys (and girls).  I noticed all sorts of things about them.  I saw a great number of them, which made me familiar with their similarities and slight differences in young vs. old and male vs. female.  I found no webs, no spiders climbing, but always scurrying away to hide in the ground.  In one area I found a small white sac under some straw, broken open, with a few tiny eggs left inside.  As it got dark, I became discouraged by my camera's abilities.  Then I turned over an old dry leaf and on the underside found the biggest, most ornately designed spider of the breed who had just secured prey!  Now I had tons of information to crosscheck with the spiders in my field guide.

I came back in and went to work.  I started with the burrowing wolf spider, but, once again, no sand.  Plus, after seeing so many of the spiders, I clearly saw the difference in appearance.  So I scanned the other similar spiders...maybe another wolf spider or garden spider...oh! That's it!  Lycosa gulosa -- the Forest Wolf Spider!  The picture matched the shape and size perfectly, and after seeing different varieties, I saw the color resemblence, too. And check out the specs:

Size: 3/8-1/5"
Color: "Dark brown with grayish-yellow middorsal stripe on cephalothorax and narrow grayish-yellow strip on each side."
Habitat: "Woods, among litter"
Range: "Maine to Georgia, west to Utah, north to southern Manitoba.
Food: small insects"
Life Cycle: "Female drags eggs in a spherical sac until they hatch..."

"This spider hides among litter by day, hunts at night.  It makes no nest or silken shelter, although it secures a dragline before leaping upon potential prey. The light of a flashlight is reflected from its silvery eyes, making this wolf spider easy to find at night."

How perfect of a match is that?!  No webs, spherical sac, lives under loose ground coverings, the grayish yellow stripe, even the shiny eyes matched my pictures!  How thankful I was after reading that, that I got to see these guys at night.  What was my consternation became my pride, for it proved the shiny eyes and I got to see one hunt.  Below are my pictures (for those of you who are not arachnaphobic).

Anyone who knows my family's business knows that we are busy this time of year.  The stress over the last month has taken its toll on me, my husband, and my son, exhausting our strength physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Our relationships have become more distant and more difficult.  It was in this vein that Eddy and I went to church on Sunday morning.  Daniel was way behind in his work for the week, and had to miss church to finish treating a cemetery in Eau Claire.  

I checked Eddy in to Sunday school and wandered back through the halls, scanning the crowds for someone I knew.  I spotted a couple familiar faces, all engaged in deep conversations already. 'I guess I'll just find a seat.' Meandering slowly across the foyer, through an auditorium door, down an aisle, I noticed the second row in the center. Empty. Perfect. There was a pit in my stomach as I sat down. Soon others sat around me. Oh, well. The music started.  In turn, I joined in singing, greeted strangers around me, prayed aloud and silently, and sat to hear announcements, then the pastor's message.  It was good.  It seemed important. But it wouldn't sink in.  I couldn't make myself believe it in my heart, though I wanted to.  Halfway through the message, it began to compute -- living a life bigger than myself, not hoarding things I desire, but focusing on God, and thereby receiving all the blessings he would like to show me.  I thought of beautiful nature, of relationships, of new friends, of my church, of my nice house, my family, our business successes, of the cross, and other things.  But it didn't make me feel better.  I didn't feel blessed.   I felt confused, foggy, alone, weak.  At the closing music I was lost in my thoughts and out of touch with those around me.  I caught myself missing the offering bag completely, as the usher had to reach around me to hand it to another person, oops.  I closed my eyes.  The service ended.

I sat contemplating.  I waited for my Bible study leader to finish a conversation before she could talk to me about a group walk we had scheduled.  Looking around the emptying room I spotted a friend. She looked sad.  She walked toward me.  She was looking for a pastor to talk to.  She told me her troubles, her desires, her life situation.  I told her mine.  For her this was an important week.  For me it was, too.  We were at a loss for what to do, feeling the same, but under very different burdens.  A hug, a Scripture, questions, and suggestions finished our conversation.  We exchanged numbers and went to speak with our respective respected teachers.

We agreed to speak on the phone every day this week.  On Monday the first call time arrived.  We shared the help we received from our leaders.  We rejoiced in it, and prayed together.  Tuesday we shared our encouragements and insights, our struggles and prayer requests.  Wednesday we were both in a fog, and prayed to God, praising him for his goodness, and reminding each other of his love.  Thursday's call is fast approaching.  I wait for my few minutes with my friend, my connection with Eau Claire, my call to live the bigger life, to be a help and ask for help...to live beyond myself.

I recently read one of my Aunt Peggy's books.  She is a confident and very creative author, and I am an English nerd and literary critic.  This made for an interesting relationship.  The story is about a girl named Lilia who lives on a farm in Hawaii with her family.  For the most part it is a wonderfully flowing story of the transition from kid to teenager, as well as learning to live life for God.  But my critic tendencies came swirling through my head as I started getting into the story.  I thought the character development was thorough, and the perspective from which the story was told switching between characters was fun.  It was funny to notice how some of the characters and events were inspired by my aunt's life and relationships.

However I got a little caught up on how "Utopian" the setting was.  It didn't seem possible that a family could be that Christian, and get a long that often, that the girl should be good at so much, get so much attention, live in such a beautiful place and have so few financial problems.  But then I got to thinking again.  Aunt Peggy was good at all those things as a child, and lived on a farm; she's had experience being a Christian who also doesn't have too many financial worries, has created a loving Christian home, and has been to and knows people in Hawaii.  This thought led to other friendships I've had with Christian families of all walks of life who also do work everything out as a family and adore each other.  So, I'm not certain, but perhaps I should retract that critique and simply conclude that the story is about someone other than me.  Just because those were not my experiences, doesn't mean they're not possible, and doesn't mean the average reader will not be able to identify with the characters.  In truth, toward the end of the book, the characters and situations do become more and more complex, and conquer great hardships.  Read as a whole, this book can stir the heart and you can empathize with everything in it.

The other thing the critic inside of me jumped on was the dialog.  This is a very difficult area to master.  There's a balance between clarity of who's speaking and natural flow.  As I was reading, I saw many hiccups in the flow as well as a few ambiguous speakers.  However, when I spoke to others I knew had read it, none of them mentioned that as a problem.  So once again, I got to thinking it over, and I remembered that this book is targeted to 11-13 year-olds.  The books I read at that age had dialog much like this book's.  A girl that age doesn't worry about those technicalities, and this book does not cater to the 24-year-old English nerd and critic, which is good.  That would be something with which a young teenage girl would not be able to identify.

All in all, a fun story, with unexpected twists and turns, and a very very solid Christian focus.  It shows the reader an example of how your family could live life focused on God -- in an exciting and colorful way.

I started this blog to catalog my positive experiences and perspectives in order to gain a more positive attitude toward life.  Unfortunately right now my mind is too clouded with so many baffling circumstances to tune in to the beauty I'm sure is around me, so all I can say to the positive is this:

When nothing else makes sense, find hope in the trustworthiness of God.

Five of us from BioLawn (Dan the boss / Charlie the sales & tech / Gayle the secretary / Naomi the finacier / Eddy the mascot) drove to St. Paul Park for a visitation and memorial service today.  It was packed.  We were the only ones there who knew no one else there (except one of Ken's sons we'd met once and another ex-BioLawn employee who knew Ken came as well).  Sisters and brothers and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins and college friends and rehab friends and childhood friends and all their spouses and children and friends were there.  The service itself was all right.  A few people stood and talked about their friendships with Ken (including our Charlie -- thank you). No family stood up.  The sermon was good -- really close to being a good Christian message. A very good practical message to Ken's loved ones.  We found out much deeper about Ken's addiction-riddled history while we were there.  Apparently there are still hurt feelings.  The deacon spoke on forgiveness.  Jesus forgave quickly and readily.  We should too.  The rest of the service was lame but we got through it.  The whole event was very awkward.  But it was nice to see the crowds of people who loved Ken, and whom Ken loved -- his legacy, so to speak.  They banded together and cried together (Ken's mother hugged and cried with Dan / Ken's sister hugged and told us Ken really really really loved us / Ken's aunt said what a drastic positive change Ken's life took when he started working for us and making "those new friends" who were only us).  Apparently we didn't know the same Ken the rest of them knew -- the Ken with issues he could never seem to get over...until last year.  But it was still good to see the dozens and dozens of people who knew the same guy we knew.  Because he was the same guy -- just in different seasons of his life.  We got to see him on the top (which makes Daniel OH so much sadder), happy, confident, gaining success in his relationships. But everyone saw his compassion, his love for children, especially his own, his humility, his openness, and his hard work ethic: things we cherished.  This huge crowd of people love and miss him like we do.  It was good to hug his sisters and get to know them a little bit.  I wish we could've gone to the dinner afterward to be more relaxed with his family, but perhaps I'll stop by again in a couple days and see how they are doing.  Ken is the invisible bond that brings all these people together in love and tears and hugs.  Loved ones make it worth it.

But it was still an exhausting day.

I've been hesitating to write anything here since the tragedy at work Monday. Covering up Ken's memory with other things really scared me...since that's all we still have of him.  It's been a hard and strange week. Eddy has become so familiar with Dan's and my moods that every time he sees us sad, or crying, or quiet, he asks, "You sad 'cuz Ken went away?"  I hope the funeral, this Monday, helps how we feel. At least we'll get to know Ken's family better, and hear some new things about him, and be allowed to converse openly about how we all miss him so much.  Dan has had a worse time than I have, because he was so close to Ken, and especially because he had to finish Ken's route from Monday, he had to redistribute Ken's scheduled jobs, and he had to find (gulp) a replacement. Then he had to work an extra day to catch up on everything.

For me this week has been a stirring of emotions and thoughts.  Disbelief, denial, anger, despair, confusion, and searching have all played their parts in the story of my thoughts, a story that has gradually changed through the hours. I sometimes fight recovery in fear of forgetting, but I know God is in the recovery, and I can trust him.  I've come to some conclusions in my mind, which I hope to act upon: Though Ken's time is through, my life is still going, and to not continue in life would be to deny God's will for me.  Everyone lives for a short time and dies; in the span of history it's not whether you died that shapes your story, but what you did while you lived.  We could have our own memorial service to speak openly about our friend, draw our attention to our mortality, and to God. And we should take our employees up on their invitations to dinner and such -- something we should've done with Ken and his boys, then it wouldn't have been so awkward now.

Life...goes...on...and each day we change.

This note is in memory of our best employee and a very close friend: Kenny.  Wow, it...feels strange writing this, considering we spoke to him this morning, and he was doing great. Kenny has always been a devoted worker and learner, so naturally he's gotten steadily better and better at his job since he started.  He loved his job, and we loved having him.  He always came into the office in the morning with a big smile and determination for excellence -- but never at the expense of sincerity, openness, and kindness to us as well. True kindness, politeness, genuine care, and gentleness. We could see he was a great dad (single dad) to his 3 teen age boys, who reflect his character.  Even though Kenny had an incredibly difficult and regrettable history, somehow he never let it get to him.  He dealt with things head on and kept moving forward. I am really going to miss him. Unbeknown to each other, Daniel and I spent much of this afternoon crying.

Kenny conquered so many things: alcoholism, drug addiction, bad relationships, single parent difficulties, poverty, depression...  and things were looking up. His whole family testifies to "having him back" the last year and a half, and he was so happy to be "back"...back with his sons, with his siblings, with his ailing mother, with those he loved more than anyone else in the world. I remember the thing he loved doing most was spending time with his boys.  He'd schedule work off or move extra fast to finish a route early so he could go to a son's game.  He'd bring a son to work on a non-route day to see what dad did for a living and give 'em a taste of work. He was so proud of them...and they were proud of him, too.

By now I'm sure you're wondering what happened.  Well, there's really not much to tell.  Kenny was doing very well on his route today, amazing Dan with his speed and accuracy, as he had for the last week.  In fact, Dan just gave him another raise a couple days ago for it.  Right after lunch he fell over, someone called the police, who called our office. An ambulance rushed him to the hospital but he was unresponsive. They called us back to pronounce him officially gone.  That was it, so strange, so sudden, so seemingly untimely. It doesn't sink in. My mind rejects the thought.

Tonight Dan, Eddy and I drove to Kenny's house to return his car.  There were lots of family members there, all with tears in their eyes and all loving and comforting each other. They welcomed us warmly and reiterated over and over how much Ken loved his job, and how much he revived his life since he started working for us.  We shared some things we loved about Kenny, and assured them we'd be happy to do anything for them, if they needed anything. We await the funeral.  Even Eddy, as little as he comprehends the subject of death, was sad to hear that Kenny had gone away and wouldn't return. He loved Kenny as much as anyone did, and asked about him over and over on the way to his house. One of Ken's son's gave Eddy a little toy car and we wrote "Kenny" on the hood in memory.

I'm submitting a page from our company newsletter from last June.  It includes an article about Kenny. Enjoy.

Praise the Lord! Praise the name of the Lord, give praise, O servants of the Lord,
who stand in the house of the Lord, in the courts of the house of our God!
Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing to his name, for it is pleasant!
For the Lord has chosen Jacob for himself, Israel as his own possession.
For I know that the Lord is great, and that our Lord is above all gods.
Whatever the Lord pleases, he does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps.
He it is who makes the clouds rise at the end of the earth, who makes lightnings for the rain and brings forth the wind from his storehouses.
He it was who struck down the firstborn of Egypt, both of man and of beast;
who in your midst, O Egypt, sent signs and wonders against Pharaoh and all his servants;
who struck down many nations and killed mighty kings;
Sihon, king of the Amorites, and Og, king of Bashan, and all the kingdoms of Canaan,
and gave their land as a heritage, a heritage to his people Israel.
Your name, O Lord, endures forever, your renown, O Lord, throughout all ages.
For the Lord will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants.
The idols of the nations are silver and gold, the work of human hands.
They have mouths, but do not speak; they have eyes, but do not see;
they have ears, but do not hear, nor is there any breath in their mouths.
Those who make them become like them, so do all who trust in them!
O house of Israel, bless the Lord! O house of Aaron, bless the Lord!
O house of Levi, bless the Lord! You who fear the Lord, bless the Lord!
Blessed be the Lord from Zion, he who dwells in Jerusalem! Praise the Lord!

Psalm 135

Lukas and Suzy are off to Iowa.  Dan, Eddy and I are off to Eau Claire, getting things in order and relaxing at the end of the week (though more work is to come).  But my mind is aswirl with all that has happened the last 2 days. Thank you brother, for coming to see your far away sister and nephew!  We had lots of fun.  Thank you, sister-in-law, for adventuring and getting to know us better!  We'll miss you both.  Here's some special moments captured, compliments of Suzy's phone...

I have a new sister. Her name is Suzy.  She's 23.  My brother loves her a lot.

She's southern, you know, with reddish hair, freckles, and a big pretty smile.  She likes writing stories and songs.  She's sunshine when she walks in, playful with little boys, helpful with dinner, and caring. She uses funny southern words and makes funny southern faces...though she claims to be long removed from the south. Her family is different than ours. For one thing, they're southern. But there are others. Fun things to learn, funny stories to hear.

Suzy lives in a colorful house, in a warm state, with a very happy husband. She loves her black cat...and yellow...and high school ministry, with sleepovers! She has lots of pictures and a special piano. And entertains hundreds of guests in their little house with a pool.  She thirsts after God.

My brother came to visit me. My new sister Suzy came too.  We adventured. We drove. We strolled through Wisconsin, and cruised Minnesota. She'd never been. It was new. We had fun. My little Eddy loves Auntie "Suthy". They snuggle and play. My new sister taught me many new things...we conversed, debated, compared, related, bonded, shared, understood, and prayed. Our friendship grew.

I have a new sister. Her name is Suzy. I love her a lot.

The long awaited visit has commenced!  Brother Lukas and relatively new sister-in-law Suzy arrived in their sporty rented car yesterday afternoon at 2:45 -- just in time to help pick up Eddy from the babysitter's.  Hooray for sibling visits!  We've filled our time well, thus far, with house tours, tire swing rides, stories, adventures, garden shopping, state hopping, cooking, picture editing, and movie-watching.

Today promises to be another memorable one.  I'm getting all the business work done that I can while my distinguished guests catch up on much needed sleep in the bed & breakfast style room I prepared for them ;)  Then it's back to adventures and memories together.

Pictures soon.

Behold, how good and pleasant it is

I am a nature person.  Strike that. I am a garden and greenhouse girl.  I love love love working in the dirt and sun, smelling plants, hearing birds, and creating and pampering something into paradise.  I'm AWFUL at houseplants.  But give me a flowerbed and a hose, and I'm in heaven.  Perhaps I will have my very own garden oasis some day, but for now I'll be happy with maintaining and hopefully transforming my landlady's already nicely prepared space.  Let's see if I can raise her home value just a tiny bit by October (and get loads of flowers and veggies out of it for myself).

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...Okay, let's just say it.  I was depressed.  Overnight my life seemed to be crashing down on me, I was emotionally useless and couldn't snap out of it.  Thanks to my caring (albeit sick and out of it) husband, it occurred to me to fiddle in the garden.  "It's a large property.  There's bound to be something more to do.  Just look around."  I did and there was.  As when I was a teenager and went to work at a local greenhouse WHEN I was sick, TO feel better, so I felt today.

I gardened through Eddy's nap, and slowly, quietly, as I worked, I breathed.  I thought calmly. I worked.  I pulled every single microscopic weed there was in that bed. My heartbeat slowed.  I came back in for Eddy and he joined me.  Even in the stress of motherhood during a difficult day for Eddy too, I was rejuvenated. I had fun!  We had fun.  We even took a break to sit by a tree and watch our neighbor drive a tractor around and feed cows.  Eddy appreciated that.

Give me more garden days this summer, and I will be happier.

Okay, so I borrowed this awesomely cool cookie dough scooper (kinda like one of those squeezable ice cream scoopers...only tiny) from a friend during my huge cookie project in February.  It worked like a charm -- I just had to show Dan how cool it was.  So, when we celebrated my birthday a few days later, what did Dan get me, but a cookie dough scooper!  Boy, was I surprised!

Of course it was the wrong size and he got it way over in Minneapolis, so it took until last week to exchange it...which brings me to my story.

I just got a perfect cookie scooper from Dan AND made my first batch of chocolate chip cookies in our new house!  I stayed up late into the night to make them.  I was astonished -- we had every ingredient we needed at the house except white sugar and baking soda.  Brown sugar substitutes well, but Eddy and I had a fun adventure asking one of our new neighbors for the baking soda, which they were happy to lend =)

It was a success.  The best chocolate chip cookies we ever tasted.  Check out the pictures. P.S. Please excuse the fuzzy phone pictures.  I couldn't find the camera at the time.

God became flesh and dwelt among us.  He died, but rose and conquered death for us.  We have hope.  Hope of new life. Hope of life everlasting!  Hope of a body restored and healed.  Hope.  True hope.

A declining cancer patient puts meaning to those words...though the tears still come...

Hope.