A scene within the scene of the sun; a traveling therapist sets up a canopy to shade his customers.  Going from place to place, he offers rest and growth.  He helps you see yourself and change.

Go meet him if you're ready.  When seeking help you must prepare for change.  Nervous but expectant, you go.  Out into, you enter.  Shock hits you, but you brace and accept it.  The therapist works, an army of gentle soldiers come falling from the heavens, driving out stress with a hum.

Face the treatment, look upward.  They fall on your face, wake you to feel.  A million little soldiers tap your skin.  You are real.  You can feel.  You are able for something right now.

When his schedule is in order, he is timely, but does not over stay his welcome.  Each town he visits bids him come again before too long.  The ground thanks him for his transformation.  His reputation precedes him, always powerful, always somber.  Without talk he works.  The world and his patients brace to bear the discomfort of treatment.  All is new by the time he is gone.

Spring.  Spring, spring, spring!

I love the sun.  The sun follows the pattern.  The sun is consistent.  Those fickle clouds can hide it when they want, but they can't keep it from angling higher northward in the sky and rising earlier each spring day to vanquish the cold of morning and winter.

Literal tons of snow covered the ground, and lay in mountains not long ago.  I often pondered what it would take to remove one of those piles.  A bulldozer?  A jack hammer?  A crane?  And what damage would the grass and earth suffer?  What repair would it need?  Ah, but the sun!  Leave it to the sun and watch your mountain turn hill turn mound turn bump turn popsicle turn frisbee field, all in a matter of days.  The sun is timely. The sun vanquishes.  The sun stays.  The sun penetrates.  The sun transforms.  It even gardens.

Dawn in spring, my alarm clock from apathy and sleep.  My dreamlike visitor calls my name aloud in the silence of my mind, and beckons me out, out, into the newborn day, come and talk, come weep, come sing, come awaken to new life once again.  In my dreamy haze, I do not see myself donning jeans and tennis shoes.  The woman rushing out has no stained work coat, messy hair or baggy eyes, no.  The voice of the sun creates another picture, of fairy land and princesses.  Long, flowing golden locks swish back on the glowing white night gown and silk-lined cape, as the mysterious someone calls her out to the shadowy mist, for love and everything noble, gentle, and grand.

That soft, piercing pink-orange glow, it somehow forgets all dirt and warts and spring mess.  Instead, the heart, the life, the beauty and curves and lines and contrasts and shadows explode!  Enchantment is reality, and passion beyond measure is everywhere.  The heart of a thing is exposed, and it glows so bright its casing vanishes as the glass of a bulb.  Instantly all people are connected, unhidden, related, helped and hurt, indifferent or zealous, but all flowing together one a river of time.  As the voice of the sun shines in my mind, it does in others, my distant neighbors across the fields, the acquaintances in nearby towns, lost friends a world away.  They seem near, they seem alive and people once again.  Their hearts beat and their days flow as mine, they are one small prayer, one thought, one tear away.

On canvas the sun is hard to recreate.  I think of orange and yellow and the sharp painful light, to which you shield your eyes.  My paints are insufficient.  A bit of yellow mixed with white, the color of lilies, a pale easter yellow, eggshell, then white.  Where is the glow?  Where is the sharpness?  How large must the white be to seem brighter in the center?  It occurs to me that the effect of one's lashes as they shield their eyes plays a part in how brightness appears, but also -- and what I discovered in time to paint it -- was contrast.  The sun's distinguishing characteristic is it's far superior brightness than anything around it.  It's light is the source of all color and shape on the earth.  So the edges of my canvas took on reds and oranges and dark yellows, fading and brightening and reaching straight and unwavering toward one point.  That point, that whiteness had the palest yellow poking into it, reaching, but being extinguished next to the outstretching ball of whiteness.  The effect turned out pretty good, but still nothing compared to the true sun, the cradle and blankets in which God placed this small earth.

In the wake of our business sale, Dan and I have started to discuss our new direction in life.  We have been talking about where to go to school, when, how much school I should do, when, and when to have more kids.  I would really like to get pregnant soon, but we also discussed adoption -- a passion of both of ours.  We discussed which to do first, and many details and issues involved.  It was a very deep conversation, one which we hadn't touched on for years.

Funny, on our way to church today Daniel pummeled me with a plan I didn't know about.  He was staying after church for a media workers' lunch, to train in the new guys.  Hmm.  What would Eddy and I do?  We had no time to plan a visit to Connie's house, and didn't see her, but during announcements noticed that right after church there would be a lunch for those interested in orphan care -- childcare included.  Is that great timing or what?

Many more people came than the two couples hosting it were expecting.  Extra pizzas were brought in and the fireside room was packed.  It was so encouraging to see so many other people also passionate about God's call to us (James 1:27, "Pure religion and undefiled is this, to visit the widows and orphans in their affliction, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world."). We got loads of valuable information, not only about orphans, but child work or sex slaves (there are 127 million of those), as well.  There were two videos, and for the first (below), not an eye was dry in the room.  For the second -- an inspiring film about the International Justice Mission (see ijm.org), it made everyone emotional and angry!  But here is the TRUTH about orphans... orphans my family is committed to help.  How about yours?

At the tail end of the holidays, having trickled down to only one relative in the house, all the fun and excitement has turned inward to memories and reflection.  I'm sure you, as I, ponder the good and the bad of the season now gone.  We consider the weight and responsibilities of the season at hand, and there is an element of somberness.

It is during these first two weeks of each year when I find myself in a predictable melancholy.  I rest from the chatter, but become weary in the work.  My body complains and refuses to be energetic, after growing accustomed to rich foods and much sleep.  Most of all, I wake up to the dryness of my soul and neglect of my spirit.  Apparently all the rush and roar succeeded to keep me just a tad too busy for God, once again.  What a fool I was!  It happened again.

Last night I was fed up with the sloth I'd become, and resolved to get back on a healthy routine, in getting up, in exercise, in housework, bookwork, and Bible.  It has been no amazing day.  More than anything I've been tired.  But while reacquainting myself with my neglected radio speakers, I was inspired.

Someone had a guest on their show.  This man told of a sudden sickness and an encounter with God.  I trusted the host, so I turned up the volume and listened.  He spent a night with the Lord, in conversation and communion, in his unconsciousness at the hospital.  When he awoke he remembered the Lord's message.  Don't worry, it was the same message God had been speaking to his heart the last decade or so.

He is a man who runs a car care show on television, "Car Crazy," and he has been slowly slowly responding to God's call in his life, which is the same call to all Christians: share the news.  But there was a specific call he had ignored.  He felt led to reach other lay believers and encourage them to share their faith as well.  For years he ignored this tug on his heart.  Then came a random terrible virus.  Others spoke of not knowing whether this man would even survive.  As the man put it, God got his attention by throwing him down and putting His foot on the man's neck, from which he struggled and wiggled for two weeks and finally was calm.  When he was listening, God spoke to him again.  He was emphatic this time.  Do it now.

But despite the description, he didn't seem upset at all at the experience.  There was joy in this man's voice I don't remember the last time I heard.  Every word brought forth laughter.  You could see the sparkle in his eyes and glow in his cheeks even over the radio.  He said God's people seem weighted down by all the same things as unbelievers.  They become middle aged and complain of lack of purpose and fulfillment.  They get to the end of the day tired and unsatisfied.  This should not be so!

God has given us a purpose!  How can we find purpose outside of obeying God?  Love God with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul, and love your neighbor as yourself.  Care about their souls, and prepare yourself to give an answer of the hope that is within you.  In this all believers can be filled with joy, from feeling their purpose, their meaning in life.  Our joy comes not from this world, but from God!  And searching the ground, our lives, and our relationships to find it will only make us unhappy.  We knew this when we met the Lord, so know it again.  Don't cling to this life as others do.  Embrace your eternal hope and purpose, and laugh for joy!

It made me smile just listening.

Distraction, forgetfulness, and stress themed this December at the Hobbs' house.  Christmas was neither front nor center.  Family things happened, business things happened, personal things happened...and didn't happen.  In summary, our minds were worn out and I didn't even care enough to decorate for Christmas (Dan didn't either, but that's normal for him).  Could it really be only 2 weeks to Christmas?

I decided to take Christmas for what it really is: a celebration of Christ's birth.  Honestly, to relax my mind, body, and soul enough to enjoy my family's company and remember that night would to me be joy realized.

With that resolution I went on with head higher.  My tasks can be done.  My heart can bear what it needs, to love.  I walked into my Bible study of women (all stressed out from Christmas) and received acceptance, understanding, motivation, and prayer.  Now, with hope and camaraderie I moved forward.

And moving forward, Christmas found me.  In my chance meetings of friends at the store, good messages on Christmas cards, letting Eddy give to a man ringing the bell for the Salvation Army, receiving a box of oranges from a relative, and kind words from loved ones. That birth so long ago in the middle east really did revolutionize the world...and continues to change the world as far as Christ is "born" in the hearts of mankind.  Yes, I am beginning to feel the holiday.

As I write this, the snow begins to flutter down.  The house is getting cleaner and prettier and more festive as the day winds down and points to the arrival of Dan's parents.  That's another thing: the arrival of family.

Look and see Christ around you, and have a very merry Christmas.

I just recently heard the new song from the Good Shepherd Band, the group that creates the amazing music for my brother and sister in law's church down in Indiana.  It's really good.  The sound is captivating.  The singer's voice is incredible and married to the music.  The message is clear and praises all that God is.  It motivates.  It celebrates.  It calls you to praise.  Play it and you'll see what I mean!

I have a personal relationship with God.  It is the greatest joy the world has ever known.  And my relationship with him is as unique as I am.  Let me tell you about it.  

Repentance is to realize that you put something before God, that you've betrayed your king, the one person who gives you your purpose and fulfillment.  It is to finally open your eyes and see the filth, to cry out in anguish, and beg him to cast it away from you, far away.  You want to be clean.

It is to know that he's already paid for your sin and cast them away; you've already been made clean, and you are still.  It is to know that he's given you a new heart, the essence of the 'you' he created you to be, of all your true potential, of everything that would be impossible for you without Christ.

It is to stand with newfound determination and direction and hope.  It is to renew your alliance to your king.  It is to love and follow him once again, yes, and all the more.

Eddy has a very cute smile.  His eyes start to sparkle and he shows all those little kid teeth, pushing his chubby cheeks out into soft red apples, and batting his long lashes when he's tickled.  His curls frame all of that perfectly.  As he grows, he's losing some of his baby face, but gaining so much dimension, purpose, and meaning behind those deep eyes.  His smile keeps me coming back for more...more playtime, more tickles, more surprises, more fun.  I love making him happy, making him smile.

Today as he sat in a time-out in the grass in our garden, Eddy asked me something.  I was explaining how he needed to obey mommy, and he asked very calmly and sincerely, "Why?"  Hmmm... That one is hard to unravel in the abstract for a two-year-old.  I tried to make it simple.  It makes God happy when you obey.  It makes mommy and daddy happy.  It makes you happy.  He questioned the last part, understandably so.  Obviously the reason he was being punished was because mommy told him to do something that didn't make him happy.  But I planted a seed of understanding.  I want him to be happy.  And I will see so much more of that happy smile if he learns how to cooperate.  I love seeing that smile.

to sing and dance ... to step to the beat ... to bend and groove ... get the heart goin'... to lift your mood ... to smile a bit ... to close your eyes, tilt back your head, and breathe!  Jump and spin!  Run around!  Find a partner!  Pull them in!  to get lost in rhythm ... to relish a melody ... savor the feeling...of singing aloud.  to listen and sway ... to harmonize ... to recognize beauty ... to remember the Lover ... to forget all troubles ... to cherish His goodness ... to lose track of time ...

I started this blog to catalog my positive experiences and perspectives in order to gain a more positive attitude toward life.  Unfortunately right now my mind is too clouded with so many baffling circumstances to tune in to the beauty I'm sure is around me, so all I can say to the positive is this:

When nothing else makes sense, find hope in the trustworthiness of God.

Praise the Lord! Praise the name of the Lord, give praise, O servants of the Lord,
who stand in the house of the Lord, in the courts of the house of our God!
Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing to his name, for it is pleasant!
For the Lord has chosen Jacob for himself, Israel as his own possession.
For I know that the Lord is great, and that our Lord is above all gods.
Whatever the Lord pleases, he does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps.
He it is who makes the clouds rise at the end of the earth, who makes lightnings for the rain and brings forth the wind from his storehouses.
He it was who struck down the firstborn of Egypt, both of man and of beast;
who in your midst, O Egypt, sent signs and wonders against Pharaoh and all his servants;
who struck down many nations and killed mighty kings;
Sihon, king of the Amorites, and Og, king of Bashan, and all the kingdoms of Canaan,
and gave their land as a heritage, a heritage to his people Israel.
Your name, O Lord, endures forever, your renown, O Lord, throughout all ages.
For the Lord will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants.
The idols of the nations are silver and gold, the work of human hands.
They have mouths, but do not speak; they have eyes, but do not see;
they have ears, but do not hear, nor is there any breath in their mouths.
Those who make them become like them, so do all who trust in them!
O house of Israel, bless the Lord! O house of Aaron, bless the Lord!
O house of Levi, bless the Lord! You who fear the Lord, bless the Lord!
Blessed be the Lord from Zion, he who dwells in Jerusalem! Praise the Lord!

Psalm 135

Behold, how good and pleasant it is

God became flesh and dwelt among us.  He died, but rose and conquered death for us.  We have hope.  Hope of new life. Hope of life everlasting!  Hope of a body restored and healed.  Hope.  True hope.

A declining cancer patient puts meaning to those words...though the tears still come...

Hope.

I've grown an appreciation for learning these last few days.

Learning is an activity that is often unpleasant while you do it, but usually satisfying afterward...that is, as long as what you're learning turns out to be true. I've enjoyed watching each new thing that Eddy learns. He got frustrated so many times trying to ride his tricycle, but he finally got it. He can successfully pedal uphill and down outside, WHILE steering the handlebars! It satisfies him. It makes him happy.

I've been learning a lot of things myself as well. I've learned things about my friends, and about friendship. I've learned things about God. I've learned that life goes on even when you're sick (I'm still working on that one). And recently I watched a movie, Skokie, that taught me that principles aren't always clearcut. We each just need to think for ourselves.  I've also learned that we don't know much about God. The more we think we have him figured out, the less we actually know about him. This is a great truth. I don't need to worry about becoming stagnant when I get old, after a lifetime of seeking God. He is bigger than that. There is always more to learn, infinitely more.

An older woman friend of mine said recently, "The woman I want to be is someone who never stops changing."

I went to see a friend in the hospital yesterday. She was there for her husband, who's been battling Leukemia the last 8 months (they got married only 10 months ago). My visit was a rare and special one because the hospital is 100 miles away and Daniel needs our car a lot for business. But someone else needed me to drive their car down, Eddy had a birthday party to attend in that town, and we just happened to know a couple driving back to Eau Claire from there yesterday afternoon. All the pieces fell into place and I went down.

I didn't know what I would do or say, exactly, just that I should go. I hadn't heard much from her, and I wanted to give her strength, if I could, just by being there, doing the best I could to help carry the emotional burden, helping her open up. Letting her know I was praying...I don't know. I wanted to help somehow. Perhaps I did. But I know she helped me.

We sat in a window lined lobby as rain pelted down on the gray downtown streets outside. She was exhausted. Very little sleep, catching up with work, and trauma can do that to a person. We talked about all sorts of things, caught up, and discussed things on our minds. Sometimes we just sat there. I began to open up to some burdens on my mind, and when I did I was returned not with the expected nod or condolences, but cutting words of wisdom. Words of experience. Words of gold. She had seen the fire and realized God was still there. He didn't always make sense, but He doesn't have to.  It helped that she has a "high ambiguity tolerance"--kinda straightens out my over-calculating tainted perfectionism =) Eventually we left, me to my schedule, she to her sleep. But as I darted through the chilly rain, my mind was full. I knew more how to pray for my friend, and I knew more how to live life. I felt at once shame, and gratitude, and sorrow, and purpose. My friend had given me perhaps more than I gave her.

This experience drives me to prayer, to guarding my thoughts, to selfless obedience. I can't explain it well, but I thank and pray for my dear friend.

God sure does work in mysterious ways. We're called to draw close to him, talk to him and study his Word everyday, but praying and reading for the sake of saying we've done it leaves us lower and farther from him than ever before. We know that nothing we can do can change God's perfect plan, but on the other hand, doing what God tells us to do affects how we feel and act toward others. And prayer works.

Some things are just beyond my comprehension...but not beyond my obedience.

Dan & I have been enjoying evening prayer meetings where God teaches us to be sincere, open, honest, united, dependent, trusting, caring and full of faith. God answers, leads, and most significantly, he reveals himself to us.

Happiness is... prayer.

I was able to go outside by myself today at dawn, and God corrected my view on the world. When I get too focused on myself--my desires, my actions, my perspective--I get down. But just standing out in a field of snow, surrounded by distant woods and hooting owls, under a pink and purple sunrise, first my insignificance overwhelmed me. I am "but a breath...lighter than a breath" (Psalm 62:9). Then, gazing at the beauty and power of God displayed in His creation, I began to see things from God's perspective--the truth.

God showers us all with blessings everyday. We walk amid thousands of trees and plants being grown and raised up by God's finger simultaneously without our notice. His love permeates our lives, and all His acts of love have purpose. In His love He became man and died for us, to restore our fellowship with Him.

In His relationship with me, He has ultimate plans for my life and character, and His plans never fail. "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6). He has given my life great purpose -- great not for anything in me, but because He is great, and all His works are great.

Nothing I can do can take away from His plans, and "...[he] is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work in us" (Ephesians 3:20).

The last two days have been rather difficult for me. I originally started this blog to see the positive aspects of my life, but I couldn't bring myself to say happy things on a day when I felt so down and incapable that I spread despair to those around me. The blog would've become an alternate reality for me, and entirely lose it's use. So, I resolved to wait until something lifted me from the pit.

That time has come.

Friday was a bit of a disappointment, which led me to think of several other disappointments, difficulties, and unknowns on my plate. That is how Saturday began. My mood deteriorated quickly. My family started to notice. Soon unattained goals, frustrated expectations, fears, and unsatisfied longings were whirling around in my mind. Productivity stopped. My family suffered. I tried desperately to pick myself up, but felt no strength. By Sunday all nerves in the house were raw and untended. A good reminder of God and fellowship at church, but all too much activity for a heart that needed time to resolve so many problems. Conflict was inevitable. Everything inside vied for attention, and all came out together in an unintelligible mass of confusion and heartache (it wasn't a good night). FINALLY, I had enough, I sought solitude and threw myself down in my black hopelessness...

In a tiny voice I cried for help. A tiny help came. I gained courage to speak, and found one word: "prayer". I reflected on this gift, then began all my sorrows and questions and regrets to pour out in what appeared an empty room. I was embraced. I was spoken softly to. I was heard. I was known. I had nothing to prove and nothing to lose, so my fear just scampered away. In short, I had an overdue heart-to-heart with God. He reminded me He is the sensitive person I need when I'm sad. He will love me no matter how insufficient I feel, no matter how much I fail. In a life where I feel like I'm always in a precarious job interview, He will never deem me unworthy for my job. He knows the worst of me, more than I do; He really will work out everything for my good; and He really will finish the work in me that He's started.

I don't need to haul heavy burdens of Try everywhere I go. I need only to listen to His soft voice, His gentle requests, and take another step. He will make sure I have what I need after that. Now just one step more. He won't leave me alone. Feeling better already, one step again. He is healing me even now.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth...God is love...God demonstrated His love toward us in that...Christ died for us...how shall He not with him also freely give us all things?...all things work together for good to them that love God...if God be for us, who shall be against us?...for I am persuaded that nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God.

Positive: 8 a: having a good effect: FAVORABLE: b: marked by optimism

A conversation with my brother about life recently brought some long-standing questions to the surface of my mind: why do I, without trying, always see the bad about everything around me? How can my life be so dark, when someone else with the same circumstances think of every part of work and life as a grand vacation?

He said he has learned to only notice the bright side of things...a point of view I've always thought of as shallow, silly, unreal. Maybe that's my problem. Upon looking on the memorized phrases of Scripture above, I gotta admit, there is huge amounts of positivity in the Bible. Of course, the point I always fall on is that you can't fool yourself either. God teaches us to look at the good AND the bad realistically. But, what would happen if I gave this positivity thing a try? I think God has given me plenty of blessings enough to fill one blog. Perhaps I'll find out I've been living in paradise all along...I just needed to take off the dark glasses =)