...there were big green tomatoes weighing down the tomato plants...

...the peppers were just right...

We also apparently had a garden friend.  I found him a new home.

I put Eddy to bed for the third time for his nap.  It was hot and sunny.  I fought discouragement.  My productivity this morning seemed less than satisfactory.  My energy was waning.  I wanted motivation.  I felt like sleeping.  The trees and grass and crickets beckoned me outside and I followed.  I wandered and stomped and sighed.  I searched for passion in my soul again.  I found apathy, weariness, confusion, defeat, then answers.

Of course I know where to find life!  Of course I know all is not lost!  The giver of life calls to the weary, the money-less, the brokenhearted to come and drink from the spring.  I knew to drink from the spring would bring life, but I still felt parched...and in my thirst could not feel the truth I once knew.  So back from my memory I drew.

My Bible lay back in the house.  I hadn't the mind to go the long distance back.  I forced into memory a chapter from my youth -- a wonderful chapter, with many memories attached to it, and many lessons.  Perhaps if I could get through it I would find the strength I needed.

The first few verses slid off my tongue easily, but I stumbled through the next few.  Running back and forth over the following to sort out which came first, I pondered the meaning in the words.  "The law of the spirit of life hath made me free from the law of sin and death..." hmmm... free.  Free to live true life...this life I've experienced a taste of and long for more.  "That the righteousness of the law would be fulfilled in us..." God really does think me special to place such an important purpose on my life.  "but ye are not in the flesh but in the spirit..." "he that raised up Jesus from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his spirit that dwelleth in you..." The spirit is in me.  He is in me.  He guides me.  "we are the children of God, whereby we cry, 'Abba, Father..." Again, how special, how purposeful, how releaving of fear.  "the whole creation groans and travails in pain together..." "all things work together for good, to them that love God..." "for I reckon that the trials of this present age are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us" Here there is no denying the trouble, no denying the chaotic mess of pain...but again purpose...plan.  "who shall lay anything to the charge of the elect..." God is my judge.  "we are killed all the day long..." "for I am persuaded that neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Mmmmm...the perfect peace in the knowledge of God's unending love...so much depth and importance to unravel...

I stood in that moment less like a failed mother and woman, and more like a born princess.  Not to say I was any more graceful or pretty or rich, but I had a silent power behind me and I knew it.  I had a royal purpose, a noble purpose...to love as Christ loves...to listen to the Spirit.  I was important to the king, and my attitude impacted those around me.  I knew my place in the world.  I could give and serve without fear.

I walked back.  I was met with our secretary out in the grass, holding Eddy and explaining how he said he wouldn't take his nap.  I sighed and took another path than before.  I faced it, took charge, and showed compassion.

Never underestimate the power of truth learned and lived and remembered.

After the funeral there's a lot to think about, and my garden continues to be the thinking ground.  Most of my plants are happily getting bigger, but a new crop of weeds has blanketed the ground around them, and to those I have been attending.  Today I spent a long while picking out the tiny seedlings of purslain, grasses, trees, and, of course, Eddy's own little corn patch in between my herbs!

Eddy has a very cute smile.  His eyes start to sparkle and he shows all those little kid teeth, pushing his chubby cheeks out into soft red apples, and batting his long lashes when he's tickled.  His curls frame all of that perfectly.  As he grows, he's losing some of his baby face, but gaining so much dimension, purpose, and meaning behind those deep eyes.  His smile keeps me coming back for more...more playtime, more tickles, more surprises, more fun.  I love making him happy, making him smile.

Today as he sat in a time-out in the grass in our garden, Eddy asked me something.  I was explaining how he needed to obey mommy, and he asked very calmly and sincerely, "Why?"  Hmmm... That one is hard to unravel in the abstract for a two-year-old.  I tried to make it simple.  It makes God happy when you obey.  It makes mommy and daddy happy.  It makes you happy.  He questioned the last part, understandably so.  Obviously the reason he was being punished was because mommy told him to do something that didn't make him happy.  But I planted a seed of understanding.  I want him to be happy.  And I will see so much more of that happy smile if he learns how to cooperate.  I love seeing that smile.

A week of hot and sunny makes one appreciate a cool cloudy day.  Plus the scattered showers throughout the day made everything outside wet and soggy.  I took advantage of this to do some house cleaning, remove the weeds and straw from the blackberries and go on a shopping spree with Eddy.  We got mower parts for Daddy, office supplies, and a whole new wardrobe from Goodwill for Eddy.  And, of course, we got to share Sam's Club pizza and an Arby's chocolate shake as a reward.

"Sweet is the sleep of a laborer, whether he eats little or much, but the full stomach of the rich will not let him sleep." -Ecclesiastes 5:12

Nope, sleep has not been an issue this week.  My muscles, however, are another matter.

        

I love this time of year -- not as pretty as early spring, but so much more inviting.  For one, it's warmer outside than in.  This for the first time in 8 months!  It's also planting season here.  The greenhouses and weathermen have finally given the general public the OK to plant without danger of frost.  To me, that translates to dirt and shovels and rakes and watering cans and hoses and string and steaks and corn seeds and potato seeds and onion seeds and dirt mounds and trenches and weed pulling and transplanting and ROTOTILLING (which has the added benefit of seriously getting me in shape for summer).  It is quite hot and sunny for that kind of work, but a good sun hat, a water bottle, cool grass and occasional breaks make it doable and, of course, very satisfying.  I stand and gaze at my handiwork and take in the joy of hard work and thoroughness.  Can't wait to reap!

Outside of the garden are all the effects of others' hard work and God's natural gifts.  Flower beds, shrubbery, lilacs, towering Elms, fields of grass, wildflowers and fruit trees fill my senses with the life of late spring.  It is more exciting than I can say to discover every week new and fantastic plants and flowers in our Afton house.  Our landlords have good taste!  They also had experience gardening.  I have every tool at my fingertips =)  But I will never tire of being at the Hobbs' Eau Claire farm.  The aroma itself carries a thousand thousand memories and impressions of the past.  It has been said that music and smells are windows into the memory, and this is no exception.  Walking through the tall cleared woods along the driveway and smelling the warm polleny air with the cool breeze blown in from the neighbor's pond, I am transported to times and activities and friends and ages long gone.  Every old car comes into view, every paint ball game, volleyball game, sword fight, swim.  Visions of gardening, feeding ducks and chickens and cats and dogs, the old barn long since torn down, the willow that never really did perk up, the huge novel gardens, the creek, the outdoor shower, and of course, where the tent was set up...

And wherever I am, there seems a familiar smell of the season that to me seems to match the shiny mature leaves in the sunlight and the expiring blossoms.  Perhaps it's a plant or several plants home to this region.  But to me it's simply my own history.  My past, my present, my future.  The people I know and knew.  Experience gained and gaining.  Growth.  Have a great day in the sun!

This has been my thought for the weekend.  We sow and reap alike.

On Friday my little sister graduated from college.  I'm so proud of her!  But it got me thinking on my school situation.  Twenty-four years old and only 40 credits to my name.  Of course, thoughts like this lead to daydreams of diplomas and accomplishments, of research and travel and music and languages.  "If I could just work harder..." but is that really true?

Most things worth having do require hard work, but hard work doesn't get you everything you want.  You reap what you sow.  If I sow cantaloupe and carrots in my little seed patch for my garden (which I have), I will reap cantaloupe and carrots later on.  No matter how much I dream about watermelon, and strive to do a good job gardening so I can have a juicy slice of watermelon, it will never come out of cantaloupe and carrot seeds.  Those seeds are absolutely useless for that.  But they are incredibly useful for cantaloupe and carrots.

In the same way, no matter how well I raise my son, it will never get me a bachelor's degree.  It is useless for that.  To dream of academic accomplishments and work harder at home, will only lead to disappointment, for I'm looking for the fruit of something I never planted, and missing the fruit of what I did -- a grown son.  And no matter how much I study for a test, it could never get me a family.  My sister traded an early marriage for an early degree.  A choice I very much respect in her, but still, she is not married.  Loving and training children reaps loving and trained adults.  Studying and taking classes reaps knowledge and degrees.

How something is sown also determines how something is reaped.  Planting cantaloupe and carrots in mediocre soil, and haphazardly watering them (which I have) produces a few bedraggled plants (which I have).  But devoting time and money to the meticulous care of your garden produces bumper crops (which I've experienced in the past), crowding each other out like a chia pet.  Likewise, if I daydream of books and music all day and spend no time with my son, I will only reap an unhealthy son with a bad attitude.  I need to consider the harvest.  You only reap what you sow, and you only reap as well as you sow.

It is the same with food.  This is a subject I've always tried to avoid in the past, but it is true.  No matter how much you promote and talk about carrots, or how many you have in your refrigerator, if you are sitting here reading this next to a bag of marshmallows, you will never reap the benefits of carrots.  You will reap the sugar high and low, lack of energy, depression, and eventual chronic disease from malnutrition that marshmallows reap...not to mention unwanted weight.  However, if you just stop eating those right now and use your hands to pick up a carrot, put it in your mouth, chew, and swallow, you will receive the nourishment carrots offer.

This weekend my sister graduated, a friend just found out she's having her first child, another friend just had an adorable baby boy, I sang at church, watched Eddy, and ate a lot of junk food because of busy schedule, moods, and the holiday.  This morning I reaped more musical experience, a son who survived, and extreme weariness and downcast eyes.  I decided pretending isn't worth it.  Consider the harvest you desire, and actually plant and tend to the seeds that will bring that harvest.  Don't daydream of some other harvest.  Accept or make the one you want.  Eating candy to make you feel better won't.  Eating vegetables will.  Just do it.  If you want to finish school, pick up your textbook right now.  If you want a happy child, get up and walk to the park with him right now.  You will reap what you sow,  and only as well as you sow it.

Who of you are freaked out, grossed out, or scared to death of spiders?  I have always been!  But somehow a change came over me a couple days ago, when I spotted a little, fairly short-legged spider struggling to crawl out of our bathroom sink.  It was small enough that I couldn't focus on the detail too well (probably to my benefit, for if I had, I probably would have freaked out), but I was fascinated by the unassuming shape and innumerable tiny black and brown stripes on his legs (crosswise).  I asked Charlie, our employee and resident PhD to look at it, but his aging eyes failed him and he had no information to offer, so I delved into my copy of the National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Insects & Spiders, but with no exact matches with the photos.  Charlie encouraged me by saying it could be a young spider, and may look differently than those fully grown.  I read a few descriptions and surmised it could be a close relative to a burrowing wolf spider, but they prefer sandy areas, and our property has rich soil.  All that was left to do was quickly sketch it and record the circumstance in my notebook, in hopes I ran across more information soon.

Across more info I certainly came!  Today I was tasked to pull weeds out of the blackberry beds in the large greenhouse on our property.  Between the rows are walking paths of wood chips, and covering the beds themselves right now is straw, to keep the plants from thawing too early in spring.  I didn't start weeding until close to dusk, but as soon as I started walking on the chips and pulling out weeds, little black-brown spiders scurried away from me in all directions!  There were so many, but too fast to get a look at!  I ran back and grabbed my camera to try to get a shot in the failing light of evening.  In addition to pictures, I studied the little guys (and girls).  I noticed all sorts of things about them.  I saw a great number of them, which made me familiar with their similarities and slight differences in young vs. old and male vs. female.  I found no webs, no spiders climbing, but always scurrying away to hide in the ground.  In one area I found a small white sac under some straw, broken open, with a few tiny eggs left inside.  As it got dark, I became discouraged by my camera's abilities.  Then I turned over an old dry leaf and on the underside found the biggest, most ornately designed spider of the breed who had just secured prey!  Now I had tons of information to crosscheck with the spiders in my field guide.

I came back in and went to work.  I started with the burrowing wolf spider, but, once again, no sand.  Plus, after seeing so many of the spiders, I clearly saw the difference in appearance.  So I scanned the other similar spiders...maybe another wolf spider or garden spider...oh! That's it!  Lycosa gulosa -- the Forest Wolf Spider!  The picture matched the shape and size perfectly, and after seeing different varieties, I saw the color resemblence, too. And check out the specs:

Size: 3/8-1/5"
Color: "Dark brown with grayish-yellow middorsal stripe on cephalothorax and narrow grayish-yellow strip on each side."
Habitat: "Woods, among litter"
Range: "Maine to Georgia, west to Utah, north to southern Manitoba.
Food: small insects"
Life Cycle: "Female drags eggs in a spherical sac until they hatch..."

"This spider hides among litter by day, hunts at night.  It makes no nest or silken shelter, although it secures a dragline before leaping upon potential prey. The light of a flashlight is reflected from its silvery eyes, making this wolf spider easy to find at night."

How perfect of a match is that?!  No webs, spherical sac, lives under loose ground coverings, the grayish yellow stripe, even the shiny eyes matched my pictures!  How thankful I was after reading that, that I got to see these guys at night.  What was my consternation became my pride, for it proved the shiny eyes and I got to see one hunt.  Below are my pictures (for those of you who are not arachnaphobic).

I am a nature person.  Strike that. I am a garden and greenhouse girl.  I love love love working in the dirt and sun, smelling plants, hearing birds, and creating and pampering something into paradise.  I'm AWFUL at houseplants.  But give me a flowerbed and a hose, and I'm in heaven.  Perhaps I will have my very own garden oasis some day, but for now I'll be happy with maintaining and hopefully transforming my landlady's already nicely prepared space.  Let's see if I can raise her home value just a tiny bit by October (and get loads of flowers and veggies out of it for myself).

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...Okay, let's just say it.  I was depressed.  Overnight my life seemed to be crashing down on me, I was emotionally useless and couldn't snap out of it.  Thanks to my caring (albeit sick and out of it) husband, it occurred to me to fiddle in the garden.  "It's a large property.  There's bound to be something more to do.  Just look around."  I did and there was.  As when I was a teenager and went to work at a local greenhouse WHEN I was sick, TO feel better, so I felt today.

I gardened through Eddy's nap, and slowly, quietly, as I worked, I breathed.  I thought calmly. I worked.  I pulled every single microscopic weed there was in that bed. My heartbeat slowed.  I came back in for Eddy and he joined me.  Even in the stress of motherhood during a difficult day for Eddy too, I was rejuvenated. I had fun!  We had fun.  We even took a break to sit by a tree and watch our neighbor drive a tractor around and feed cows.  Eddy appreciated that.

Give me more garden days this summer, and I will be happier.