Spring.  Spring, spring, spring!

I love the sun.  The sun follows the pattern.  The sun is consistent.  Those fickle clouds can hide it when they want, but they can't keep it from angling higher northward in the sky and rising earlier each spring day to vanquish the cold of morning and winter.

Literal tons of snow covered the ground, and lay in mountains not long ago.  I often pondered what it would take to remove one of those piles.  A bulldozer?  A jack hammer?  A crane?  And what damage would the grass and earth suffer?  What repair would it need?  Ah, but the sun!  Leave it to the sun and watch your mountain turn hill turn mound turn bump turn popsicle turn frisbee field, all in a matter of days.  The sun is timely. The sun vanquishes.  The sun stays.  The sun penetrates.  The sun transforms.  It even gardens.

Dawn in spring, my alarm clock from apathy and sleep.  My dreamlike visitor calls my name aloud in the silence of my mind, and beckons me out, out, into the newborn day, come and talk, come weep, come sing, come awaken to new life once again.  In my dreamy haze, I do not see myself donning jeans and tennis shoes.  The woman rushing out has no stained work coat, messy hair or baggy eyes, no.  The voice of the sun creates another picture, of fairy land and princesses.  Long, flowing golden locks swish back on the glowing white night gown and silk-lined cape, as the mysterious someone calls her out to the shadowy mist, for love and everything noble, gentle, and grand.

That soft, piercing pink-orange glow, it somehow forgets all dirt and warts and spring mess.  Instead, the heart, the life, the beauty and curves and lines and contrasts and shadows explode!  Enchantment is reality, and passion beyond measure is everywhere.  The heart of a thing is exposed, and it glows so bright its casing vanishes as the glass of a bulb.  Instantly all people are connected, unhidden, related, helped and hurt, indifferent or zealous, but all flowing together one a river of time.  As the voice of the sun shines in my mind, it does in others, my distant neighbors across the fields, the acquaintances in nearby towns, lost friends a world away.  They seem near, they seem alive and people once again.  Their hearts beat and their days flow as mine, they are one small prayer, one thought, one tear away.

On canvas the sun is hard to recreate.  I think of orange and yellow and the sharp painful light, to which you shield your eyes.  My paints are insufficient.  A bit of yellow mixed with white, the color of lilies, a pale easter yellow, eggshell, then white.  Where is the glow?  Where is the sharpness?  How large must the white be to seem brighter in the center?  It occurs to me that the effect of one's lashes as they shield their eyes plays a part in how brightness appears, but also -- and what I discovered in time to paint it -- was contrast.  The sun's distinguishing characteristic is it's far superior brightness than anything around it.  It's light is the source of all color and shape on the earth.  So the edges of my canvas took on reds and oranges and dark yellows, fading and brightening and reaching straight and unwavering toward one point.  That point, that whiteness had the palest yellow poking into it, reaching, but being extinguished next to the outstretching ball of whiteness.  The effect turned out pretty good, but still nothing compared to the true sun, the cradle and blankets in which God placed this small earth.

In the wake of our business sale, Dan and I have started to discuss our new direction in life.  We have been talking about where to go to school, when, how much school I should do, when, and when to have more kids.  I would really like to get pregnant soon, but we also discussed adoption -- a passion of both of ours.  We discussed which to do first, and many details and issues involved.  It was a very deep conversation, one which we hadn't touched on for years.

Funny, on our way to church today Daniel pummeled me with a plan I didn't know about.  He was staying after church for a media workers' lunch, to train in the new guys.  Hmm.  What would Eddy and I do?  We had no time to plan a visit to Connie's house, and didn't see her, but during announcements noticed that right after church there would be a lunch for those interested in orphan care -- childcare included.  Is that great timing or what?

Many more people came than the two couples hosting it were expecting.  Extra pizzas were brought in and the fireside room was packed.  It was so encouraging to see so many other people also passionate about God's call to us (James 1:27, "Pure religion and undefiled is this, to visit the widows and orphans in their affliction, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world."). We got loads of valuable information, not only about orphans, but child work or sex slaves (there are 127 million of those), as well.  There were two videos, and for the first (below), not an eye was dry in the room.  For the second -- an inspiring film about the International Justice Mission (see ijm.org), it made everyone emotional and angry!  But here is the TRUTH about orphans... orphans my family is committed to help.  How about yours?

At the tail end of the holidays, having trickled down to only one relative in the house, all the fun and excitement has turned inward to memories and reflection.  I'm sure you, as I, ponder the good and the bad of the season now gone.  We consider the weight and responsibilities of the season at hand, and there is an element of somberness.

It is during these first two weeks of each year when I find myself in a predictable melancholy.  I rest from the chatter, but become weary in the work.  My body complains and refuses to be energetic, after growing accustomed to rich foods and much sleep.  Most of all, I wake up to the dryness of my soul and neglect of my spirit.  Apparently all the rush and roar succeeded to keep me just a tad too busy for God, once again.  What a fool I was!  It happened again.

Last night I was fed up with the sloth I'd become, and resolved to get back on a healthy routine, in getting up, in exercise, in housework, bookwork, and Bible.  It has been no amazing day.  More than anything I've been tired.  But while reacquainting myself with my neglected radio speakers, I was inspired.

Someone had a guest on their show.  This man told of a sudden sickness and an encounter with God.  I trusted the host, so I turned up the volume and listened.  He spent a night with the Lord, in conversation and communion, in his unconsciousness at the hospital.  When he awoke he remembered the Lord's message.  Don't worry, it was the same message God had been speaking to his heart the last decade or so.

He is a man who runs a car care show on television, "Car Crazy," and he has been slowly slowly responding to God's call in his life, which is the same call to all Christians: share the news.  But there was a specific call he had ignored.  He felt led to reach other lay believers and encourage them to share their faith as well.  For years he ignored this tug on his heart.  Then came a random terrible virus.  Others spoke of not knowing whether this man would even survive.  As the man put it, God got his attention by throwing him down and putting His foot on the man's neck, from which he struggled and wiggled for two weeks and finally was calm.  When he was listening, God spoke to him again.  He was emphatic this time.  Do it now.

But despite the description, he didn't seem upset at all at the experience.  There was joy in this man's voice I don't remember the last time I heard.  Every word brought forth laughter.  You could see the sparkle in his eyes and glow in his cheeks even over the radio.  He said God's people seem weighted down by all the same things as unbelievers.  They become middle aged and complain of lack of purpose and fulfillment.  They get to the end of the day tired and unsatisfied.  This should not be so!

God has given us a purpose!  How can we find purpose outside of obeying God?  Love God with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul, and love your neighbor as yourself.  Care about their souls, and prepare yourself to give an answer of the hope that is within you.  In this all believers can be filled with joy, from feeling their purpose, their meaning in life.  Our joy comes not from this world, but from God!  And searching the ground, our lives, and our relationships to find it will only make us unhappy.  We knew this when we met the Lord, so know it again.  Don't cling to this life as others do.  Embrace your eternal hope and purpose, and laugh for joy!

It made me smile just listening.

I just recently heard the new song from the Good Shepherd Band, the group that creates the amazing music for my brother and sister in law's church down in Indiana.  It's really good.  The sound is captivating.  The singer's voice is incredible and married to the music.  The message is clear and praises all that God is.  It motivates.  It celebrates.  It calls you to praise.  Play it and you'll see what I mean!

I don't know anyone who doesn't have a creative streak.  It is one thing I can somehow find in common with everyone I talk to, though sometimes they don't think so at first =)

Yesterday I had a coffee date with a friend at the McDonald's playplace to catch up.  We have completely different jobs, different family and in-law situations, we are both married, but we have completely different ideas about kids and adventure, and several other things.  But she is a great, compassionate girl that I admire a lot and really appreciate having as a friend (even with all our differences).

She asked me how I was doing, and, in typical Nomie style I talked nonstop for the next 5 minutes.  I told her about the family and work, then went into all the exciting (but not always longlived) crazy plans and ideas I had of things to create -- from painting to woodworking to music to words, etc. Then I asked her what she was doing for fun.  She answered, "Reading."

I love to read, too, but I knew there was more that made her grin than other people's masterpieces.  A few minutes later I found it.  She was talking about their spare room, and she mentioned it was the last one to decorate, then she'd be done with the house.  She was relishing in the idea of choosing the style and decorations, and moving other items from elsewhere into that room.  She was actually sad to be done with the house, "All I'll have to do after this is redecorate.  That's not nearly as fun to think about."

So, the master creator came out at last.  And that's only in the visual sense.  We didn't even get to all the heart transforming conversations, lessons, small group plans, music schedules, and events she plans for the highschoolers!  Now that's something I've never done!

God created us all to be an image of him.  Did you think he'd leave out the creativity aspect in that? Hardly! Celebrate the creator in you, and share God's beauty =D

Repentance is to realize that you put something before God, that you've betrayed your king, the one person who gives you your purpose and fulfillment.  It is to finally open your eyes and see the filth, to cry out in anguish, and beg him to cast it away from you, far away.  You want to be clean.

It is to know that he's already paid for your sin and cast them away; you've already been made clean, and you are still.  It is to know that he's given you a new heart, the essence of the 'you' he created you to be, of all your true potential, of everything that would be impossible for you without Christ.

It is to stand with newfound determination and direction and hope.  It is to renew your alliance to your king.  It is to love and follow him once again, yes, and all the more.

This has been my thought for the weekend.  We sow and reap alike.

On Friday my little sister graduated from college.  I'm so proud of her!  But it got me thinking on my school situation.  Twenty-four years old and only 40 credits to my name.  Of course, thoughts like this lead to daydreams of diplomas and accomplishments, of research and travel and music and languages.  "If I could just work harder..." but is that really true?

Most things worth having do require hard work, but hard work doesn't get you everything you want.  You reap what you sow.  If I sow cantaloupe and carrots in my little seed patch for my garden (which I have), I will reap cantaloupe and carrots later on.  No matter how much I dream about watermelon, and strive to do a good job gardening so I can have a juicy slice of watermelon, it will never come out of cantaloupe and carrot seeds.  Those seeds are absolutely useless for that.  But they are incredibly useful for cantaloupe and carrots.

In the same way, no matter how well I raise my son, it will never get me a bachelor's degree.  It is useless for that.  To dream of academic accomplishments and work harder at home, will only lead to disappointment, for I'm looking for the fruit of something I never planted, and missing the fruit of what I did -- a grown son.  And no matter how much I study for a test, it could never get me a family.  My sister traded an early marriage for an early degree.  A choice I very much respect in her, but still, she is not married.  Loving and training children reaps loving and trained adults.  Studying and taking classes reaps knowledge and degrees.

How something is sown also determines how something is reaped.  Planting cantaloupe and carrots in mediocre soil, and haphazardly watering them (which I have) produces a few bedraggled plants (which I have).  But devoting time and money to the meticulous care of your garden produces bumper crops (which I've experienced in the past), crowding each other out like a chia pet.  Likewise, if I daydream of books and music all day and spend no time with my son, I will only reap an unhealthy son with a bad attitude.  I need to consider the harvest.  You only reap what you sow, and you only reap as well as you sow.

It is the same with food.  This is a subject I've always tried to avoid in the past, but it is true.  No matter how much you promote and talk about carrots, or how many you have in your refrigerator, if you are sitting here reading this next to a bag of marshmallows, you will never reap the benefits of carrots.  You will reap the sugar high and low, lack of energy, depression, and eventual chronic disease from malnutrition that marshmallows reap...not to mention unwanted weight.  However, if you just stop eating those right now and use your hands to pick up a carrot, put it in your mouth, chew, and swallow, you will receive the nourishment carrots offer.

This weekend my sister graduated, a friend just found out she's having her first child, another friend just had an adorable baby boy, I sang at church, watched Eddy, and ate a lot of junk food because of busy schedule, moods, and the holiday.  This morning I reaped more musical experience, a son who survived, and extreme weariness and downcast eyes.  I decided pretending isn't worth it.  Consider the harvest you desire, and actually plant and tend to the seeds that will bring that harvest.  Don't daydream of some other harvest.  Accept or make the one you want.  Eating candy to make you feel better won't.  Eating vegetables will.  Just do it.  If you want to finish school, pick up your textbook right now.  If you want a happy child, get up and walk to the park with him right now.  You will reap what you sow,  and only as well as you sow it.

I've been hesitating to write anything here since the tragedy at work Monday. Covering up Ken's memory with other things really scared me...since that's all we still have of him.  It's been a hard and strange week. Eddy has become so familiar with Dan's and my moods that every time he sees us sad, or crying, or quiet, he asks, "You sad 'cuz Ken went away?"  I hope the funeral, this Monday, helps how we feel. At least we'll get to know Ken's family better, and hear some new things about him, and be allowed to converse openly about how we all miss him so much.  Dan has had a worse time than I have, because he was so close to Ken, and especially because he had to finish Ken's route from Monday, he had to redistribute Ken's scheduled jobs, and he had to find (gulp) a replacement. Then he had to work an extra day to catch up on everything.

For me this week has been a stirring of emotions and thoughts.  Disbelief, denial, anger, despair, confusion, and searching have all played their parts in the story of my thoughts, a story that has gradually changed through the hours. I sometimes fight recovery in fear of forgetting, but I know God is in the recovery, and I can trust him.  I've come to some conclusions in my mind, which I hope to act upon: Though Ken's time is through, my life is still going, and to not continue in life would be to deny God's will for me.  Everyone lives for a short time and dies; in the span of history it's not whether you died that shapes your story, but what you did while you lived.  We could have our own memorial service to speak openly about our friend, draw our attention to our mortality, and to God. And we should take our employees up on their invitations to dinner and such -- something we should've done with Ken and his boys, then it wouldn't have been so awkward now.

Life...goes...on...and each day we change.

I've grown an appreciation for learning these last few days.

Learning is an activity that is often unpleasant while you do it, but usually satisfying afterward...that is, as long as what you're learning turns out to be true. I've enjoyed watching each new thing that Eddy learns. He got frustrated so many times trying to ride his tricycle, but he finally got it. He can successfully pedal uphill and down outside, WHILE steering the handlebars! It satisfies him. It makes him happy.

I've been learning a lot of things myself as well. I've learned things about my friends, and about friendship. I've learned things about God. I've learned that life goes on even when you're sick (I'm still working on that one). And recently I watched a movie, Skokie, that taught me that principles aren't always clearcut. We each just need to think for ourselves.  I've also learned that we don't know much about God. The more we think we have him figured out, the less we actually know about him. This is a great truth. I don't need to worry about becoming stagnant when I get old, after a lifetime of seeking God. He is bigger than that. There is always more to learn, infinitely more.

An older woman friend of mine said recently, "The woman I want to be is someone who never stops changing."

Blogs are really lame when they don't change. I'm sure you noticed that from this blog, the last week+. Even if a post is really cool (which I do not presume to say any of mine are), it loses all attraction if it doesn't soon precede a newer post. Even if the newer post is worse than the older, it is preferred, because we want and expect the blog to change. No change, no viewers.

Thank you for being so patient with me during my absence. It was a much needed time of re-prioritizing and changing of habits at home, and I think I used it well, for the most part. But I am happy to be back, expressing the joy of life...and of change.

Life is change. If there is no change, there is no life. Maybe that's why we want to see blogs changing so much--they're supposed to reflect life.  Furthermore, if you can't see the joy in change, you soon won't see the joy in life. Get too caught up with one really cool post in life and you will miss out on the entire blog. On the other hand, see change as a good thing, and it'll be a lot easier to rejoice in life, in any situation. I'm learning that now.

So much is changing in my life. Where I live, what my job is, who my friends are, how I relate to people, what my goals are -- in my family, with friends, with church involvement, and with the future.  In similar scenes and challenges, I find I have a new outlook than I did a year ago, 3 months ago, even a week ago. I've a new attitude on life, new experiences, new voices in my head, new solutions. This change presents me with brand new opportunities...opportunities to help someone in a new way, to use my added knowledge for more effectiveness, and to draw from experience to obey God quicker and more fully. The changes also help to keep life interesting. There is always some new thing to conquer.

In recognizing the blessing of change, I'm learning to enjoy my circumstances so much more, and agonize over the pain so much less. The pain will soon be over, so why worry? And the good will soon be over, so seize it while you can...but in doing so, don't forget that it, too, will go away, and that's a good thing.

Thank you, Lord, for change, for the end of this day, for sleep, and bright hope for tomorrow. Good night.

I love randomly seeing familiar faces and hearing from friends! After a later-than-usual swim at the Y today I noticed someone on the treadmill and I did a double-take. Amanda? And indeed it was. We had a pleasant and unexpected chat at a place where I very rarely see people I know. Apparently our workout schedules are inconsistent enough that even though we come often, we'd never seen each other there.

I picked up Eddy from childcare and we went off to buy groceries. I fumbled in the car a few moments, then got out to help him out of his seat. In the corner of my eye I spotted an older looking man staring at us (kinda freaked me out). Out of motherly protection I glanced over and, oh! Dad! We hadn't seen each other for a couple months, but he just happened to be driving by and saw me pull into the parking lot. We strolled the aisles a few minutes catching up before he had to get back to his day.

I decided to cancel my other errands when the weather started turning bad, and Eddy and I hauled our groceries home. I picked up the mail at the mailbox, then drove in. Since Eddy was fast asleep by this time I decided to peruse the mail before going in. A letter addressed to me from an unfamiliar name in Chippewa Falls. Was it an advertisement? A baby shower! An old friend who'd long moved away was being thrown a baby shower by her mother-in-law right in town! I can't wait!

These winters can SEEM isolating, but it's only an illusion. Good to know there really are loved ones all around.

I was able to go outside by myself today at dawn, and God corrected my view on the world. When I get too focused on myself--my desires, my actions, my perspective--I get down. But just standing out in a field of snow, surrounded by distant woods and hooting owls, under a pink and purple sunrise, first my insignificance overwhelmed me. I am "but a breath...lighter than a breath" (Psalm 62:9). Then, gazing at the beauty and power of God displayed in His creation, I began to see things from God's perspective--the truth.

God showers us all with blessings everyday. We walk amid thousands of trees and plants being grown and raised up by God's finger simultaneously without our notice. His love permeates our lives, and all His acts of love have purpose. In His love He became man and died for us, to restore our fellowship with Him.

In His relationship with me, He has ultimate plans for my life and character, and His plans never fail. "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6). He has given my life great purpose -- great not for anything in me, but because He is great, and all His works are great.

Nothing I can do can take away from His plans, and "...[he] is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work in us" (Ephesians 3:20).

How often we forget how dependent we are. I, for one, fight for self-identity everyday. Funny how it's only when I let go of that silly notion that my life brightens. I am not someone alone. I am part of a group, a group of groups, a tiny contributor to a whole beyond my vision. And in this place I find identity.

As a mother I get joy in my son, but survive the afternoon because of his daily naps. I cope with life and keep my living situation in a large way by my husband, who is part of a company, who depends on customers and caters to them, and depends on each person in the company, including me.

My distant family is a huge encouragement, especially when they send mail, provided by my happy friendly mail lady everyday, supported by her postal branch and co-workers, supplied by the Federal Government, sponsored by our country collectively.

I can afford my son's growing habits only because of my in-law's generosity and thrift stores, one of which started by a loving family in town with a vision, bound together with the camaraderie of the staff, and filled by every household in town with a heart to give.

I warm our house by building fires of wood, prepared by family and friends of the past numerous years, and gathered from the woods of our and neighbors' land, neighbors who, for the sake of free removal of fallen wood, were open to us invading their property with trucks, boots and chainsaws.

My husband, son and I have strength to work, to grow, to think from the nutrition we consume from day to day. I can attribute this in large to vegetables; vegetables from the store, the farmer's market, home gardening, greenhouse plants; grown in dozens of countries or states or towns by me, my family, my friends, my neighbors near and far, and people I've never known and will never know... Nor would these vegetables have found their way on our table had it not been the respective influences we received as children.

I look out of a beautiful old farmhouse, on a shoveled walk, a limestone driveway, cleared yard, cultivated field, and well fed birds, all of which I owe to others, and I commit once again to the calling of one among many. I rejoice in this ocean of blessings, and contribute to the blessings of others.